Decisions & Anxiety

Recently I had the good fortune to come across two cool opportunities. While deciding what to do, I realized that making decisions can cause me significant anxiety. I am not asking anyone to feel bad for me by writing this, as I know my life (especially right now) is amazing. I am writing this because I think it is important to acknowledge how anxiety impacts me while traveling and how I deal with it, and not only write about my fun, picturesque travel experiences.  

When this anxiety struck me, I was in Switzerland doing a Workaway volunteer assignment. Workaway is a website that matches travelers with volunteer opportunities in exchange for lodging and other accommodations like food. When sending a message to a potential Workaway host, you don’t know if you will get a response, so my strategy has been to send multiple messages with hopes of finding an opportunity. Hosts can also look through the volunteers and send you a message. 

On August 2nd, I got a message from an organization called Angloville asking if I might want to volunteer with them in Poland. They host week-long English learning camps across Europe. Most of the volunteering is spent one-on-one with individuals having conversations so they can practice their English. It took a while to set up an interview but on August 9th I got the official word that I had been selected to volunteer at one of the camps.    

I also had sent out messages for other Workaway opportunities including some in Maine, since I am headed back to the US in September for a few weeks before the next leg of my journey in Asia. On August 10th, I received an invitation to go to a wonderful farm in East Vassalboro, Maine to volunteer doing helping in the garden, around the house and at sales where their produce is sold. I have always wanted to go to Maine, with Acadia National Park at the top of my list of must-see places. It all sounded wonderful because I need to be in Kansas City on August 14th for my 30th High School reunion and Parent’s Weekend at the University of Kansas the next weekend. This would also make my travel to Kansas City so easy. Great, right? 

The catch was that the volunteer dates offered by Angloville and the Maine farm overlapped. 

For many of you this might seem like a no-brainer: Go to Poland while you’re still in Europe. This was my first thought, but I also had some doubts. Most of the Workaway opportunities I have seen ask for about 25 hours per week, usually 5 hours per day 5 days a week, in exchange for lodging and food. The English camp is much more intensive with some days being 9am to 9pm. So, my mind started running. “Was this a fair trade? Is it even worth it to go to Poland if I can’t see much with those long volunteer hours?” 

Twelve-hour days in Poland compared to everything about the opportunity in Maine seemed like I should be headed to the farm. I was ready to commit to Maine, but then the fear of missing out set in. My thoughts started running, “Could I really say no to Poland? I might not get to see everything I wanted to, but in terms of a cultural exchange, what could be better than extensive time talking to people who live there?” 

Less easy to admit, I started wondering if people would judge me if I went to Maine. “Would people see me as a quitter for going back to the US for this experience?” I can be pretty harsh towards myself about what people might think of me. The irony of this is that I don’t even need to care. From the beginning, I have been clear that this adventure is an experience in self-care for me. Even though I reminded myself of that, the fear of judgment was powerful and quickly became paralyzing. 

My mind started to spin. One moment I was ready to go to Poland, the next I was sure Maine was the answer. I got angry with myself for being stressed about this. “How entitled do I have to be to get stressed about these sorts of opportunities?” I thought, my anxiety quickly spiraling out of control. For one full day, I tossed the two options back and forth in my mind with no resolution and felt more unhappy with every minute that passed. 

I have struggled with anxiety long enough to notice it follows a pattern, and even as I struggled to regain control, I saw the pattern playing out. Self-doubt will get high and then I’ll catch a glimpse of my primary mental nemesis: shame. Dancing with shame is really dicey because I know it means I’m right on the edge of depression. 

This time was no different. After a whole day of battling myself, I felt the depression pulling at me. My energy sank. I felt so badly about myself that the world around me lost some of its brightness and joy. My anxiety didn’t care that I was in one of the most scenic countries in the world. It still managed to convince me I was some kind of terrible person for having all of these thoughts.

At the moment where it could have gone from bad to worse, I had a flash of rationality and did what was the best thing for me. I reached out for support and called DeeDee. She listened to my fears and as we processed everything I’d been beating myself up over alone, I started to feel much better. 

Talking things out together, I realized that I might be able to visit both Poland and Maine, a possibility that did not even exist in my head until DeeDee and I talked. As I swirled in anxiety on the edge of depression, I did not have the capacity to think of the simple solution of finding a compromise between these two opportunities. 

I mustered the courage to message the Maine Workaway and ask if I could do a shorter stay with them. While this may not sound like a big deal, with the shame voice telling me I was a bad person, it felt like a big risk. As is usually the case with my anxiety, I soon discovered all my fears were unfounded. The farm quickly responded with a generous acceptance. A shorter volunteer time would work just fine for them. I am currently waiting for a final yes from Angloville, but it looks like I will be doing an immersive English camp in Poland and then heading to Maine to work on an organic farm. This time I can say I did not let the anxiety get the best of me for more than a day. Unfortunately, it does not always work out that way, but what’s important here is this instance taught me that I can see the direct line from deciding between wonderful opportunities leading to full blown anxiety with depression right around the corner. I see now that is the line I walk most days. But I also see that if I keep aware of where that line is, then the time anxiety knocks me out and steals my joy will hopefully keep growing shorter.