This past week has had a much different feel. The excitement of past weeks spent browsing destinations and undiscovered experiences has now faded to a background hum. I am scared about what lies ahead. Anxiety about many things swirls around in my mind.
What if I don’t like my destinations? What if I have not planned enough? What if I have planned too much and I miss a great spontaneous opportunity? What if I get sick while I travel? What if there is political unrest where I visit? That’s just being cautious, right? There have been multiple political protests in Tirana, Albania, after all…
What if… what if… what if?
I have noticed the amount of time I spend in worry is greater than the amount of time I spend in excitement. Negative judgments cloud my day with the voice in my head saying:
“I mean, who am I to take 7 months off work and travel?”
“I don’t deserve to do this.”
“I am not enough.”
“I don’t deserve to focus on me.”
Then, I pause. I try to quiet this harsh voice while balancing the fact that I have so many things that allow me to do this. I have the support of my family, my friends, my workplace, and I have unearned privilege from my social identities that make solo travel accessible to me.
The reality is that I don’t deserve this more than anyone else. My hope is that by doing this I help others see that they deserve it, too. I also hope to call attention to the inequality that still exists for others. That is why I am sharing my story here, even (especially) the parts that aren’t so easy to admit.
So, it has been a long week. This next week we move, and I know that is causing some of my anxiety, too. I have one week to “settle” into our new house and then off I go. I get on a plane and this adventure begins.
As I look around our house at how much packing we still have to do, the voice starts up again. “There is no way this will all happen.”
Then I quiet the voice and know this is totally going to happen whether I am ready or not. Whether my loose ends are tied up or not, this is already set in motion.
This is what I wanted. It’s happening now.
My plan is to lean into the fear, experience the anxiety, and take the ups with the downs. I will allow myself to question my decisions, but I won’t get stuck there.
I will hold onto to the fact that I know this is the right thing for me to do. I know this is the right time. I won’t let my fear stop me from feeling excitement.
I feel scared, but I know deep down that I am fine.